A LETTER TO
OPTIMUS PRIME
FROM HIS GEICO
AUTO INSURANCE
AGENT.
BY JOHN FRANK WEAVER
- - - -
Dear Mr. Prime,
We
have received your accident-claim reports for the month of June—they
total 27. I regret to inform you that GEICO will not be able to
reimburse you for any of those repairs. I feel that I have sent the
same letter to you once a month for the last six months, and I am now
sending it again.
Since becoming a GEICO customer in January of this year, you
have reported 131 accidents, requesting reimbursement for repairs
necessitated by each one. You have claimed not to be responsible in any
of them, usually listing the cause of the accident as either "Sneak
attack by Decepticons" or "Unavoidable damage caused by protecting
freedom for all sentient beings."
The only repairs for which you were reimbursed were the
replacement of a cracked fender and a headlight, required after a Mr.
I. Ron Hide backed his van into your truck; these cost $1,286.63. Our
own investigation concluded that you were not at fault and that Mr.
Hide had been drinking prior to the accident. Though police were unable
to test his blood-alcohol level—Mr. Hide claimed that it would be
impossible for police to examine his blood-alcohol content with a
Breathalyzer, because he "doesn't breathe"—under Washington-state law,
refusal to take a Breathalyzer test is equivalent to returning a result
above the legal level.
But, I repeat, those were the only repairs for which you have
been reimbursed, and it was a very minor accident in comparison to your
other claims. I mention a few to illustrate the larger trend:
* $379,
431.34 requested reimbursement for repairs to your truck cabin. You claimed the damage was caused by attacking fighter jets.
* $665,789.11 requested reimbursement for repairs to your trailer. You
claimed the damage was caused by a giant mechanical scorpion, which I
can only assume is some amusement-park ride, although I question the
wisdom of bringing your mobile home so close to such dangerous
equipment.
* $6,564,239.44 requested reimbursement for repairs to a
truck part called the "Autobot Matrix of Leadership." You stated this
occurred in "an ultimate confrontation between good and evil," with a
Ms. Meg Atron and a Mr. U. Nicron causing the damage in question. Mr.
Prime, I have checked every known car- and truck-part catalog published
in the United States and have found nothing even resembling that part,
never mind any part so expensive. Whatever disagreements you had with
Ms. Atron and Mr. Nicron, I suggest that next time you either settle
things peaceably or leave your Autobot Matrix of Leadership at home so
it doesn't break. GEICO does not cover Autobot Matrix of Leaderships.
And the list goes on. Mr. Prime, I am going to remind you
again: Your policy with GEICO only reimburses you for accidents that
occur while you are engaged in the reasonable use of your truck and
trailer. As I told you when you originally purchased the policy, GEICO
does not offer Megatron coverage, Starscream coverage, Soundwave
coverage, Decepticon coverage, or Energon-blast coverage. Those are
just not the types of damages we would expect from reasonable use.
To sum up, GEICO has been unable to reimburse you for any
repairs, but due to the high number of accidents you have been a party
to this month, combined with the many accidents you have had in the
preceding five months, your premium has increased to $235,
567.50 per month. While that may seem like a lot, I remind you that it
is a savings of $137 over Progressive and $98 over State Farm. Please
have your check into our main office by the end of July.
Regards,
Simon Furman
GEICO Agent
